You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2008.
“But there I go again, looking for words to fill up a blank space.”
– J, May 10, 1994
You guys, I’ve got nothing. I mean, I could tell you about how I went to Greensboro last weekend to visit my grandma and came home with her bicycle, which I’ve since ridden several times (after replacing the tubes and buying a purple helmet) after not riding in years, and how I covet her new GPS system, and how we went to the farmer’s market and I’m now growing tomatoes on my balcony, and how when I was at Home Depot today I got inspired and bought a 36-inch planter and some Alyssum to grow out there, too. I could tell you about that.
But the truth is, there’s only one thing on my mind and no matter what else I do, it’s all I can think about. I’m working on finding a solution, one that’s both honest (for my sake) and respectful (for his), but I don’t know how long that will take. Which is not to say that I won’t be back until then, only that I’m sad right now and it’s hard for me to write good, carefree, fun stuff (even though there is some of that happening) when I’m sad.
I want to tell you that I appreciate all of the comments and advice I’ve received – you’ve all given me a lot to think about. If you think of anything else, don’t hesitate to share it. Thanks for understanding.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned.
– from Operating Instructions, by Anne LaMott
So, um, I think I might be in love. It’s been a very long time since I’ve thought that about anyone, so I’m not positive, but here are the symptoms:
I’ve known him since September – we work in the same place, and he is by far my best friend at work, and he’s one of my favorite people generally. I think about him all the time, and when he’s not at work and I don’t get to talk to him, I miss him. When we spend time together, I feel very happy – he’s so smart and he makes me laugh constantly. I feel like the best version of myself when I’m with him. When something happens – good or bad, important or trivial – he’s the first person I want to tell. He’s probably going to get a new job soon, and Saturday when I thought about him leaving this job and us not talking every day anymore, I cried.
So you tell me – is that love? I’ve been feeling this way for months now, and I assumed it was just a crush, and I hoped it would go away, but it hasn’t, and Saturday, on a long drive with tons of time to think, it all of a sudden hit me that I might love him.
And the thing is, whatever it is, it sucks. It’s not a good thing. It’s complicated, and messy, and perhaps not reciprocated – and even if it is, we can’t do anything about it because my timing could not be worse – and I don’t really understand it in the first place, and I really shouldn’t even be thinking about him like that. But I am. And it’s killing me.
And I know myself: I won’t suffer long in silence. Sooner or later, I’m going to feel compelled to tell him, or ask him if he has any feelings for me, and whether he does or not, if he is the person I know him to be, he’s going to have to say no, and then everything will be all fucked up and I could lose the only real friend I have here. And that I could not handle.
So here’s what I need from you guys: surefire ways to get over someone you know you can’t be with, whatever the reason.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh!” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
– A.A. Milne
I got wonderful news yesterday: Aimee and Tim and baby Ben are moving back to Virginia! In 10 days! I’ve known for about two weeks or so that it was a possibility, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up; hearing confirmation yesterday brought tears to my eyes and my heart feels so light. I can’t even explain the feeling, really, but it’s a lot like relief, or like I can breathe again. If I hadn’t already used this quote in the post-Houston series, it would be the one I would have chosen for this post:
A vision in white appeared . . . . Above it all was Angela’s face, beaming. Mattie felt as if the medics had arrived. . . . The women lay on their sides facing each other and talked all night, like homesick beings from another planet who had been living among earthlings far too long.
– from Blue Shoe, by Anne LaMott
I’m not glad that things didn’t work out for them in Texas, because I know they wanted them to, but selfishly I’m so happy to have her so close to me again after essentially four years (three while I was away in law school, and the 8 months they’ve been in Texas) of being too far. I’ve missed her so much, and the prospect of only seeing Ben grow up in pictures made me very sad. We’ve already got plans for the second weekend in June, and I can’t wait to see this face in person again:
Celebrate, we will
‘Cause life is short
but sweet for certain
– Dave Matthews Band, Two Step
76. watching football games and drinking beer at Champp’s with Nate
77. Becky’s perfect afternoon wedding on a gorgeous summer day
78. walking into Notre Dame in Paris and literally having my breath taken away by its beauty
79. walking though Ft. Detrick with my grandmother when I was 5 and seeing the giant satellite dishes, asking her what they were, having her tell me that they were “dinosaur dishes” and completely believing her
80. “I heard Billy Joel and I smelled eggs, so I thought I’d come see what was going on”
81. the kissing contest between me, Becky, and Lisa in Salamanca – Lisa won
82. when Brian McCann smiled right at me – after I took this picture
83. waking up from a nap on the couch because Pico was peering up at me, tapping my forehead with his soft paw
84. Thanksgivings at my grandparents, listening to stories about when my grandfather was a little boy
85. Opening Day at Nationals Park, even though the Braves lost
86. spoonfeeding Aimee some of my strawberry milkshake because her hands were occupied feeding Ben
87. every night ever spent at Camelot, a dance club in Salamanca
88. telling my little cousin Sophia, at 3, to stop growing up so fast and hearing her say, “No, I have to get bigger so I can reach the cereal.”
89. riding the Drop Tower at Kings Dominion for the last possible time (for me) with Nate the day before my cochlear implant surgery
90. telling the Princess that it must be “so hard to be 3,” and having her respond by putting her little hand on her hip and saying, “Actually, I’m 4.” (she’s not)
91. the fearlessness of the Conductor in everything he does
92. JB and JH visiting me in the hospital after my surgery, bringing me a bag filled with crazy stuff from the Dollar Store and one of those giant cards, on the envelope of which they’d told the illustrated story of their journey from NY to VA to be with me
93. the Sister Hazel concert with Aimee at Innsbrook, still my favorite picture of us together
94. racing golf carts in the summers with my brother and our cousins
95. watching Aladdin with J and cracking up as he recited, word-for-word, the Genie’s first big scene
96. finding out I was going to be an aunt, both times
97. this day – nothing special, but a bunch of little things conspired to make me happy
98. dinner in Monaco
99. the day I scored a whopping 8 points for my JV basketball team and as I ran down the court heard the opposing coach shout to his team, “Watch out for #13!”
100. my first Komen race in Boston (ok, this is cheating, because it hasn’t happened yet, but I know it’s going to rank right up there)
Did you enjoy this? If so, here are some others you might like to read:
And I want you to remember
All wild deeds live on
All good times, all good friends
– Jackson Brown, All Good Things
51. post-high school graduation antics in the Taco Bell parking lot: walking through the drive through, driving through the drive through backwards (“Sir, you’re going to have turn the car around.” Jeff: “My car only goes in reverse, Ma’am.”), dancing to the car radio
52. driving down Route 1 late at night with nowhere in particular in mind and ending up in P’s driveway
53. the post-wing night peeing in the woods at the edge of the parking lot at school (because we really had to pee and the dorm was too far away), followed by someone pulling into the parking spot directly in front of us, spotting us and turning on their brights, and us dying laughing, too drunk to be mortified
54. JB and JH singing the All in the Family theme song (in character) on the CB radio, driving down the Garden State Parkway
55. the hour and a half at the end of the work day two days ago that I spent shooting the breeze with my favorite work person instead of working – laughing, joking, flirting
56. the absolute flood of tenderness that washed over me when I was watching Transamerica with my mom, during the scene where Felicity Huffman’s character got tangled in the hose of the gas pump, and my mom chuckled and shook her head and said, “That happens to me all the time.”
57. riding on the back of the four-wheeler with my arms wrapped around Nick – I’m 14, he’s 17, I’ve just met him, I’m wearing his purple sweatshirt – driving across the bridge across the creek at Uncle Joe’s and through the woods on the other side; we come out of the dark of the woods into a meadow, and the sun is shining and the sky is clear, and it’s as close to a movie moment as I think I’ve ever had in my life. (He only lives to be 23, which makes this memory all the more poignant.)
58. August 31, 1993
59. finding out my professors had chosen me for a special scholarship at law school graduation
60. the way I could stand on one side of the living room from Sierra, open my arms wide, call her name, and have her come bounding across the room and leap into my arms
61. the party at Aimee’s in high school that included sleeping outside on the trampoline and a trip to the Omlette Shop at 4 in the morning in a speeding convertible driven with the top down by a handsome, blue-eyed boy
62. all of us calling in to work the next day, too hungover to do anything but hit Pizza Hut and then the movies
63. at my parents’ house the Christmas before I lose my hearing, my dad calls me downstairs and plays me a recording of him singing and playing All Along the Watchtower
64. wearing Nate’s jersey number for Powder Puff football in high school
65. taking Karen on her first-ever subway ride – and she survived!
66. knowing dinner at Nate’s house is over when the Princess says, “Mel-mel, would you like to come see my special dance?”
67. the Conductor all decked out in the Princess’s dress up clothes – shoes, rings, tiara, and Cinderella dress
68. finding and adopting Hero and Chaplin when they were just tiny kittens and raising them on formula til they were big enough to fend for themselves
69. catching Grandpa’s eye across the room and getting an impish wink
70. coming downstairs on Christmas morning at age 4, when I lived with my grandmother, seeing a purple tricycle under the tree and asking, “Is it for me?” as if there might be another 4-year-old in the house who’d wanted a purple tricycle
71. laughing through my tears at the end of Bill’s memorial service when Friends in Low Places began to play
72. dinner at Fager’s Island in Ocean City with my grandparents in the summer when they play the 1812 Overture as the sun goes down
73. fresh mojitos at Havana Central in Times Square with Aimee
74. driving to the golf course with Grandma early on summer mornings, passing the time by singing: Mairzy Doats, I’ve Been Working on the Railroad, Do Your Ears Hang Low, Skinnamarink, You Are My Sunshine
75. strolling the Sunday market in Old Nice
Those of you who have done this, I’ve enjoyed reading yours so much. If you’re not planning to do your own, or you’re not a blogger, will you share some of your moments in the comments?
Soon it got dusk, a grapy dusk, a purple dusk over tangerine groves and long melon fields; the sun the color of pressed grapes, slashed with burgundy red, the fields the color of love and Spanish mysteries.
– from On the Road, by Jack Kerouac
Tonight, the train arrived at my home Metro station at kind of an odd time because of delays due to track work. I’ve given up on taking the evening shuttle from the station to my apartment complex because it’s wildly inconsistent, and the bus wasn’t due to arrive for about 20 minutes. It’s about three miles or so from the station to my apartment, maybe a little more, and it was a nice evening – cool, but not cold, and breezy, a little possibility of showers. Today was kind of a casual day at work since my boss was out, so I had on sneaker-ish shoes and not fancy clothes, and I had an umbrella in my bag. It seemed everything was conspiring to allow me to walk home, which I’ve never done before. It seems like kind of a long way, and there are a fair amount of hills, and usually I just want to get home.
But it’s Friday, and I had no plans for the evening, and I needed to work out anyway, and I knew, since I haven’t worked out in more than a week (because I haven’t been well, though I’ve felt much better yesterday and today), that the chances were high I’d back out of going to the gym when I got home, so I thought, “Just do it. It’s an hour, and then your exercise is done. If you get tired, just stop and wait for the bus.”
So I did, and I feel really pleased. I reminded myself along the way to pay attention to the world around me, and here are some of the things I saw (forgive the quality – these are from my phone):
Paw prints!
I love that some urban planner took the time to not only plant a “wildflower meadow” but to also post signs so that people walking by don’t just think it’s a bunch of weeds.
This football, laying in the street next to the curb, made me a little sad. I wondered about the person who lost it, and hoped it wasn’t a kid.
Then I walked by the used bookstore that I drive by all the time and mean to go in but never do. I saw they were open, so I thought, “Why not?” I love used book stores and this one was quintessential – books everywhere, on shelves, piled all over the floor, piled in front of the cash register and on the counter. I explored a little, but once I set foot in a bookstore, I can never remember, beyond a few favorite authors, any books I’ve been meaning to read. I was on my way out the door empty handed after browsing for 15 minutes or so when I thought to look for any of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s work. I started in the fiction section with no luck, but that’s because, apparently, when you’ve been dead for a long time, they move you to “Literature.” I picked up a book of his short stories for $3. Score!
I continued on my walk (and don’t think I ambled, either – I was in it for exercise, not just entertainment), and saw a few other things:
This flower was on the ground, but all of the plants surrounding it were all green – there wasn’t a flowering bush in the bunch, so I thought about how it might have ended up there.
All of a sudden, the breeze picked up and brought with it what has got to be one of the best smells in the world:
Honeysuckle. That’s how you know it’s spring.
Finally, this:
My first wishing dandelion of the season. And no, I can’t tell you what I wished for before I blew the seeds away.
Then my phone told me my camera memory was full, so here’s what I saw that I can’t show you:
- the unchained Rottweiler who scared the crap out of me when he silently ran up to the fence of his yard and stood on his hind legs on the fence (which was your standard chain link, and I bet he could have hopped it if he’d wanted to) when I walked past while paying attention to my phone and not my surroundings
- gorgeous roses and crocuses and hydrangeas and other flowers I don’t know the names of, in the yards of far better gardeners than I
- the kids in the skate park, showing off for the girls hanging around the perimeter
- the guy walking ahead of me, who I eventually passed, who was so engrossed in the book he was reading that he walked into intersections without looking to see if cars were coming
- two motorcycle cops, blocks apart, directing traffic for no discernible reason
The next thing I knew, I was near home, and I decided to take the really big hill that I usually walk down, and saw how everyone’s yards are changing and blooming.
What a good day. And to think I’d have missed all of that if I’d decided to wait for the bus.
Life is not the wick or the candle; it is the burning.
– Unknown
26. snow in Salamanca
27. being in my parents wedding when I was 6
28. popping grapes at midnight on New Year’s Eve on the roof of our house in Barcelona
29. watching The West Wing with the Wednesday night crew at Andre’s
30. rolling down the hill with D
31. my first (and only, so far) motorcycle ride
32. leaving home in the morning, saying goodbye to a fluffy Shad (our Old English sheepdog) and coming home from school to find her with a buzz cut for the summer, everywhere except over her eyes
33. pretending to be asleep in the car so my dad would carry me inside to bed
34. outdoor opera in Santa Fe
35. driving cross country, from VA to El Paso, with my family, listening to books on tape
36. standing on the famous steps at Cannes (50 or so pounds ago, but man, do I love that picture)
37. JB bugging out so bad seeing Max Weinberg when we went to see Conan O’Brien that she couldn’t muster anything but silent tears for Conan, her one true love
38. Yankee Stadium last April with Aimee and Tim, booing A-Rod in the snow
39. meeting baby Ben for the first time
40. Nate and Molly’s wedding, and the reception after
41. the first time I heard the Princess call me Mel-mel
42. playing with the Conductor – “I am the giantest baby ever!” (because he was)
43. riding on the top of a double-decker bus
44. the day my implant got turned on
45. playing Rose in Bye Bye Birdie in high school
46. mom spending 5 days on a cot in my hospital room in Philadelphia when I had to get my appendix out on vacation
47. “Lance and Joey: We’re legal and we love you!” (the big sign Aimee and I made for the last *NSYNC concert we went to. I’m not embarrassed either – that sign got us on TV and got waves from the boys on stage to us in the fourth row!)
48. curling up in a big chair with a cat in my lap, a good book, and a storm raging outside
49. accidentally ending up with a box of my dad’s stuff after a move and finding it full of stuff Nate and I made for him when we were kids
50. slipping into clean, fresh sheets with nothing on
History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again.
– Kurt Vonnegut
Man, I am just an idea-stealer here lately, but I came across this post at MightyGirl, by way of Les Cadeaux (which I reached for the first time yesterday by way of The Rage Diaries), and knew I had to do it.
The idea is, if your life were to flash before your eyes, what 100 moments would you want to see? In no particular order, here are my memories, 1-25.
1. the day the Princess was born, Nate was holding her and she was sleeping, and when I whispered her name, she opened her eyes.
2. my 24th birthday cake, which read, “Happy Birthday, You Old Bitch!”
3. the utter relief I felt the day after I lost my hearing when I opened the door to my apartment and saw my dad standing there – he dropped his bag and just wrapped me in his arms, and I knew I could just let go
4. kissing a boy “right in the middle of the Plaza” in Salamanca
5. picking berries at Brown’s Berry Patch in the summers at the golf course
6. the 5-day canoe trip down the James River when I was 17 – but I was a counselor, and the kids were young teens, so I lied and told them I was 19
7. sitting on the hood of Aimee’s car in the parking lot of the high school on a spring night, just talking
8. singing These Are Days as a duet with my best friend in college with our a cappella group backing us up
9. dipping my toes in the Mediterranean Sea (that’s what the picture at left is)
10. pulling up the results page for the bar exam, seeing that the names had been posted, taking a moment to take a deep breath, then scrolling down and seeing my name and tears escaping my eyes
11. climbing to the top of the Arc de Triomphe (all 284 steps) in Paris with my grandmother and seeing the traffic whizzing around the traffic circle below
12. watching the sun set from the top of the Eiffel Tower
13. watching the sun rise over the Mediterranean Sea in Nice
14. meeting Nate and the family at the mall one Sunday when the Conductor spotted me from 25 yards, and he took off running towards me as fast as his tiny legs could carry him and ran into my arms with a giant smile on his face
15. pretending we were a motorcycle gang as we sped on our bikes down the alley behind our house
16. when Luigi ran away and was gone for three months and then when I came home from a Girl Scout camping trip and opened the door, he jumped on me
17. sparklers at dusk in the summertime
18. meeting Aya on the back steps of the dorm – where we’d both gone for a smoke – the first week at college, and knowing I’d found a lifelong friend
19. dandelion jelly with Donna
20. “before the beach”
21. giving the toast at Aimee’s wedding
22. drinking champagne from the bottle
23. catching fireflies
24. Grandma and Grandpa’s 50th Anniversary party
25. the look on my dad’s face as he walked in the door of his 50th birthday surprise party
26-50 up next. Steal this idea, please – or just share a couple in the comments if you’d rather! I teared up reading the posts I stole this from, and I don’t even know those people, so I’d love to read yours!
Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together.
– Pearl S. Buck
I know I’m not the only one doing this today, but here are some words of wisdom and other things I’ve learned, courtesy of my mother:
1. When you’re feeling bad, a walk outside will nearly always make you feel better.
2. Sit up straight.
3. Learn a foreign language and use it whenever you can (even if it hopelessly embarrasses your children).
4. Buy that tiny bowl at a yard sale or Goodwill – it’s the perfect size for salsa for one or grated Parmesan for the table.
5. You don’t need to have matching everything – eclectic is interesting (I, the perfectionist, struggle to remember this every time one of Pico’s bowls break and I want to rush down to Ikea and replace it).
6. Thank you notes are not negotiable, even for family members – write them in a timely manner.
7. Yes, you can reuse that plastic bag, and you should.
8. Making your bed takes two minutes and makes a huge difference.
9. If you love your job, you never dread going to work.
10. When you’re a guest in someone’s home, clean up after yourself and always offer to help.
11. Know prices on everyday items; then you’ll know when you’re getting a good deal and should buy more.
12. You shouldn’t worry about things you can’t control, and you probably shouldn’t worry too much about the things you can control either – worry doesn’t accomplish anything.
13. It’s ok to have a few things that are just pretty to look at and serve no other function.
14. Read, read, read.
15. Get informed and get involved in causes that are important to you, and give what you can, whether it’s time or money or a letter to your Congressman.
16. Children don’t have to be born to you to be yours; it isn’t biology that makes a mother, it’s love, kindness, sacrifice, desire, and a big enough heart that make a mother.
Happy Mother’s Day! What has your mom taught you?
Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don’t let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity.
– R.I. Fitzhenry
I don’t like to say I told you so, but it is entirely possible that I did tell you so.
Yesterday was pretty scary, though today I’m mostly fine. I don’t have any idea how I’ll be tomorrow. It’s a medical thing, and it could be nothing, it could be something, and it might be a little while before I find out either way.
Please don’t worry, because even if it’s something, I’m going to be fine, but please send good thoughts.
What People Are Saying